Unfinished puzzle on Flickr.

I took this photo a few months ago, it was at my nan’s house. We’d just scattered my mum’s ashes. I took it knowing my nan didn’t have long either.

My nan died at the weekend, and I’m having the same confusing thoughts and feelings as I had last September when my mum died. For most of my childhood, I was closer to my nan than anyone else. She treated me and Simon so well, taught us about exploring, inventing, making stuff out of nothing and above all having fun. The last time I saw her, a few months ago, she was still the playful, cheeky person I remembered.

But, there was a big black hole in our relationship. She pretty much disappeared out of our lives when we were about 13, at a time we needed her more than ever. Simon and myself were left to look after our mentally ill mum until it got so bad we had to leave home.

That last bit sounded a bit ‘woe is me’, I didn’t mean it to. I am able to see a whole lot of positive things that came out of those times. I guess the death of family members brings up all sorts of memories, good and bad.

I don’t hate my nan for the black hole, I kind of understand why it happened. I’m just upset I didn’t have the chance to spend much of my adult life with her. At Christmas, we made her a book with photo’s of the adventures Simon and myself had got up to over the past ten years. I hope she enjoyed sharing some of those memories with us.